Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade


Have the adventure of your life keeping up with Joneses


Drunken Master

SCORE:  5Beers

Being the third movie in this franchise normally you would expect the steam to have run out.   It happened for Jaws, it happened for Scary Movie, It happened for Scream, it happened to the Star Wars Franchise with those good damn fucking Furry Ewoks.   I was brainstorming the other day and thought up a prequel for Return of the Jedi, called Revenge of DrunkenMaster.   We have the happy disenchanted Ewoks in their village high among the tree tops of the Forrest moon of Endor.   The hunter gatherers leave every day to bring down the various forest creatures and bring back the fruits of the land around them.   Every night they build a fire and have lively gatherings where they consume their alcoholic beverages while fornicating in an animalistic orgy over the heads of the fascist imperial soldiers.  In the east a shuttle lands underneath the scrutiny of said soldiers and from it immerges man with dark shadows covering his face until he lights a torch where we see his war painted face adorned in an Ewok waistcloth.   Holding a tire iron the figure bellows out a blood filled war cry as he grips a rusted tire iron in his fist and begins his sprint through the woods.  Over the next eighty minutes we witness the most horrific animal cruelty filmed to date since Michael and me.  The dark figure runs amok through the ewok village beating them senseless with a bloodied tire iron with wild abandon in his eyes while sodomizing the young.   Considering the young are about the size of a full grown guinea pig I figure it should be right in that NR-17 zone that in today's society is treated like a R movie.   The ending of this movie sets up perfectly for Return of the Jedi, where the survivors of the initial assault regather and focus their military might against the humankind that has already invaded their moon.   I planned this whole movie with the thought of how a young Sith Apprentice would pass his final tests......Buzz was my inspiration.

Needless to say I haven't said a damn thing about the actual movie I'm reviewing and I particularly don't care, I'm hammered and I'll very well say whatever the hell I feel like saying!  River Phoenix, you fucking idiot.   The next fucking Harrison Ford in the making and what the fuck do you have to do but to get party happy and overdose on shit like every other dipshit that disappears into the back page of the paper who dies in some dark alley with a needle in their arm.  At least you're younger uglier brother seems to have taken a lesson....oh and your sister is hot, can I date her?   Wait you're pushing up daisies and can't answer....I'll throw a load into her anyways if she'll have me.  Sean well yeah he was in this......but since the whole movie didn't really need to be made.....Didn't they bad mouth the Nazi's enough in the first movie?  Apparently not, because like potty humor the next best fodder for making a movie is to have Nazis in it?   What does that say about society as a whole?   I'm not going to stand here, and let you bad mouth the United States of America.....Gentlemen!  (Humming the national anthem) while walking out of the courtroom.