Top Ten Worst Films of 2002
10. Pumpkin. Ten minutes of Pumpkin would embarrass a retarded athlete watching film of Michael Jordan playing one-on-one with Carrot Top. In other words, the average retarded athlete has more insight into athletics than Pumpkin's director has to filmmaking. Since I only saw ten minutes of Pumpkin before turning it off (also at the behest of a friend), I must ultimately call it the tenth worst film of 2002. BTW, the movie is about a retarded athlete.
9. Ash Wednesday. Another incomplete grade. After thirty tortuous minutes of boredom, I tossed this "thriller" into the Pumpkin patch.
8. Blood Work. Clint Eastwood plays an eighty-year-old detective (sans make-up) trying to track down a psychopath who is the only psychopath in the movie. Brilliant detective work. Bravo. You could make a roadmap of Los Angeles on Clint's wrinkled face. Most of the roads lead to nowhere.
7. The Good Girl. Mean-spirited story about Jennifer Anniston acting "unfriendly." She betrays her young, suicidal lover to the police. No surprise, he kills himself. I guess her portrayal is "courageous" because we see her topless. She is beautiful. I suppose I should "manually" spew my seed in the Pumpkin patch. Watch it grow. It's faaaaaantastic. Look out for "outrageous pumpkins."
6. The Rookie. True story told with all the drama vacuum-sealed and released for an anti-climatic third act. Nothing can survive in a vacuum.
5. XXX. If Vin Diesel is the next James Bond, than Anna Nicole Smith is the next Bond girl. I heard they went through XXIX scripts before they came up with this one.
4. Spider-man. Ok, so you're the Green Goblin. What's your beef with Spider-man? Really? Sounds kinda thin. Give me $100 million and Kirsten Dunst in a wet tee-shirt. If it works, I'll take you to Sizzler. You leave the tip. Oh, and I was kidding about Sizzler. Leave the $100 million on the table faggot.
3. The Sum of All Fears. Remember Bram Stoker's Dracula? Keeanu Reeves was cast as a gothic English surfer??? Yeah, well, how about Ben Affleck as a cerebral CIA operative? Surf's up dude. I want to see the two stars in a buddy movie called "Bram Clancy's Pumpkin Patch."
2. Wendigo. Artisan entertainment is best known for buying The Blair Witch Project for $ 1 million. Blair Witch made a huge profit and received better than good critical praise BECAUSE IT WAS REPORTED AS TRULY SCARY by "credible" critics such as Peter Travers from "Rolling Stone.". I don't know a single person who was even mildly frightened by The Blair Witch Project. This is not The Exorcist. This is not The Shining. This is not even Halloween. The movie sucked ass. We all know it. I don't know a single person who enjoyed the film except for the idiots who bought my posters for five times what I paid for them. Artisan's Wendigo received similar critical accolades, and was infinitely worse than The Blair Witch Project. It is not illegal for a "critic" to receive money in exchange for a positive blurb. In the future I will pay particularly close scrutiny to Artisan's projects and the critics who support them.
1. Resident Evil. If I were God, or even His lesser known pseudonym, Allah, I would subject George W. to four years of hell watching Resident Evil over and over and over (with a ten minute break every hour). During his break, he will learn how to say "nuclear," from a wizened JFK.
Top Ten non acting babes in Hollywood. (In no order)
1. Denise Richards
Top Ten Films of 20011. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
1. A Beautiful Mind
2. The Royal Tenenbaums
3. Hedwig and the Angry Inch
4. Spy Kids
5. Monster's Ball
6. Ghost World
7. In the Bedroom
8. Black Hawk Down
9. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Ten Worst Films of 2001
Top Ten Films of 2000
Top Ten Films of 1999
All Time Greats (no order)
Drunken Master's list of movies that he can watch while drunk.
1. Office Space
Response to DM's list of movies that he can watch while drunk.
Drunken Master: I hate you, but I respect you. Any day you want to play frisbee-shotgun with your DVD collection, let me know. I have both .12 and .20 shells. Better yet, lets line all of your DVD's back to back. I'll take my Dad's hunting rifle and put one round through the entire collection from 500 yards. Put "Godzilla" last and see if he can stop the bullet. My only fear is that my shot may pass through the center hole in the DVD's (thus leaving your collection undamaged).