Movie Pit

Listmania

 

 Jurassic Mark
Top Ten Films of 2002
 
1. Minority Report  The best science fiction film in a long, long time.  More entertaining than Kubrik's 2001.  Blade Runner fans have a competitor for Philip K. Dick inspired material.
 
2. Bowling for Columbine  Michael Moore's masterpiece.  This movie is better than Roger and Me.  That's high praise.
 
3. Signs  Like last year's Unbreakable, you either get it or you don't.  Mr. M. Night Shyamalan is possibly the most exciting storyteller working in film today.
 
4. Gangs of New York  Leonardo de Caprio was better in Catch Me if You Can, but Daniel Day Lewis is riveting as Bill the Butcher.  Mr. Lewis took time off from acting cobbling shoes (no joke).   Apparently, the shoes were really good.  Luckily, Martin Scorcese remembered that he can also act.
 
5. Igby Goes Down  The sleeper of the bunch.  Rivals The Graduate in several ways.  And, I love The Graduate.
 
6. About Schmidt  Almost reminded me of early Jack Nicholson films like Five Easy Pieces and The King of Marvin Gardens.  Unfortunately, Jack is no longer capable of escaping from Jack.  About Schmidt is funny and sad, but perhaps anecdotal.  One of the year's quirkiest films.
 
7. The Hours  Amazing acting is strengthened by the epitome of a "multi-layered" plot.  I don't want to spoil anything.
 
8. Lord of the Rings:  The Two Towers  Doesn't have as many "magic moment's" (aka. teary-eyed moments) as the first installment, but nevertheless succeeds brilliantly with an unforgettable creature named Golem and an earnest re-telling of J.R.R. Tolkien's novel.
 
9.  One Hour Photo Any description would spoil the plot.  Hitchcock fans will love it.  Robin Williams is terrific.
 
10. Chicago A sexy movie with good songs and production numbers.  It will win best picture.  I've never been more sure of anything in my life.  I include it in my top ten grudgingly, but only out of fear that Chicago will spawn disastrous imitations for decades to come.

 

Jurassic Mark

Top Ten Worst Films of 2002

10.  Pumpkin.  Ten minutes of Pumpkin would embarrass a retarded athlete watching film of Michael Jordan playing one-on-one with Carrot Top.  In other words, the average retarded athlete has more insight into athletics than Pumpkin's director has to filmmaking.  Since I only saw ten minutes of Pumpkin before turning it off (also at the behest of a friend), I must ultimately call it the tenth worst film of 2002.  BTW, the movie is about a retarded athlete.    
 
9. Ash Wednesday.  Another incomplete grade.  After thirty tortuous minutes of boredom, I tossed this "thriller" into the Pumpkin patch.
 
8. Blood Work.  Clint Eastwood plays an eighty-year-old detective (sans make-up) trying to track down a psychopath who is the only psychopath in the movie.  Brilliant detective work.  Bravo.  You could make a roadmap of Los Angeles on Clint's wrinkled face.  Most of the roads lead to nowhere.
 
7. The Good Girl.  Mean-spirited story about Jennifer Anniston acting "unfriendly."  She betrays her young, suicidal lover to the police.  No surprise, he kills himself.  I guess her portrayal is "courageous" because we see her topless.  She is beautiful.  I suppose I should "manually" spew my seed in the Pumpkin patch.  Watch it grow.  It's faaaaaantastic.  Look out for "outrageous pumpkins."
 
6. The Rookie.  True story told with all the drama vacuum-sealed and released for an anti-climatic third act.  Nothing can survive in a vacuum.
 
5. XXX. If Vin Diesel is the next James Bond, than Anna Nicole Smith is the next Bond girl.  I heard they went through XXIX scripts before they came up with this one.
 
4. Spider-man.  Ok, so you're the Green Goblin.  What's your beef with Spider-man?  Really?  Sounds kinda thin.  Give me $100 million and Kirsten Dunst in a wet tee-shirt.  If it works, I'll take you to Sizzler.  You leave the tip.  Oh, and I was kidding about Sizzler.  Leave the $100 million on the table faggot.
 
3. The Sum of All Fears.  Remember Bram Stoker's Dracula?  Keeanu Reeves was cast as a gothic English surfer???  Yeah, well, how about Ben Affleck as a cerebral CIA operative?  Surf's up dude.  I want to see the two stars in a buddy movie called "Bram Clancy's Pumpkin Patch."
 
2. Wendigo.  Artisan entertainment is best known for buying The Blair Witch Project for $ 1 million.  Blair Witch made a huge profit and received better than good critical praise BECAUSE IT WAS REPORTED AS TRULY SCARY by "credible" critics such as Peter Travers from "Rolling Stone.".  I don't know a single person who was even mildly frightened by The Blair Witch Project.  This is not The Exorcist.  This is not The Shining.  This is not even Halloween.  The movie sucked ass.  We all know it.  I don't know a single person who enjoyed the film except for the idiots who bought my posters for five times what I paid for them.  Artisan's Wendigo received similar critical accolades, and was infinitely worse than The Blair Witch Project.  It is not illegal for a "critic" to receive money in exchange for a positive blurb.  In the future I will pay particularly close scrutiny to Artisan's projects and the critics who support them.
 
1. Resident Evil.  If I were God, or even His lesser known pseudonym, Allah, I would subject George W. to four years of hell watching Resident Evil over and over and over (with a ten minute break every hour).  During his break, he will learn how to say "nuclear," from a wizened JFK.

Drunken Master

Top Ten non acting babes in Hollywood. (In no order)

1. Denise Richards
2. Kathy Ireland
3. Melanie Griffith
4. Catherine Zeta-Jones
5. Monica Potter
6. Shelley Long *
7. Robin Tunney
8. Rachel Lee Cook
9. Tanya Roberts
10. Sean Young

P.S. I'm getting shitfaced as I type, there could be more to come.

* (Editor's Note -- It was previously established that Jurassic Mark would not fuck Shelly Long with Darth Buzz's dick.  DM must be shitfaced already.)

Jurassic Mark

Top Ten Films of 2001

1. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
1. A Beautiful Mind
2. The Royal Tenenbaums
3. Hedwig and the Angry Inch
4. Spy Kids
5. Monster's Ball
6. Ghost World
7. In the Bedroom
8. Black Hawk Down
9. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
10. Heist

Jurassic Mark

Ten Worst Films of 2001

  1. The Pledge (unbelievable events, irrational characters, scattered screenplay, wasted talent).
  2. Enemy at the Gates (two brits play Russians with English accents. should have been named nigel and ian).
  3. Made (Vince Vaughn portrays the most annoying character ever...not funny annoying, just plain annoying).
  4. The Fast and the Furious (wished a sniper had killed the entire cast...who in the hell made Ven Diesel a star?)
  5. Blow (frivolous plot makes drug lord Johnny Depp into a victim...ridiculous).
  6. From Hell (tasteless downer not worthy of Johnny Depp...Depp has starred in three of my worst films of the last two years). 
  7. Curse of the Jade Scorpion (Woody Allen and Helen Hunt...ok, who wants to see that?)
  8. Training Day (Denzel once again hurts his own career wasting his talent on a cookie-cutter screenplay).
  9. Zoolander (a major disappointment from the usually hilarious Ben Stiller).
  10. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (as bad as it is...at least it is what it is. buff Jolie can't keep the movie from drowning).

Jurassic Mark

Top Ten Films of 2000

  1. You Can Count on Me
  2. Almost Famous
  3. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
  4. Unbreakable
  5. The Original Kings of Comedy
  6. State and Main
  7. Hi Fidelity
  8. Snatch
  9. Shadow of the Vampire
  10. Traffic

Jurassic Mark

Top Ten Films of 1999

  1. American Movie
  2. Office Space
  3. The Cider House Rules
  4. Magnolia
  5. American Beauty
  6. Titus
  7. Hitchcock, Selznick and the End of Hollywood
  8. Limbo
  9. Toy Story 2
  10. The Straight Story

Darth Buzz

All Time Greats (no order)

  1. Raiders of the Lost Ark
  2. Three Colors Trilogy
  3. Jurassic Park
  4. Princess Mononoke
  5. Rear Window
  6. Vertigo
  7. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  8. Blade Runner
  9. Close Encounters of the Third Kind
  10. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
  11. Do the Right Thing
  12. Die Hard
  13. GoodFellas
  14. Pulp Fiction
  15. Star Wars Trilogy (original)
  16. Unforgiven
  17. The Godfather
  18. Prince of Egypt
  19. Beauty and the Beast (Disney)
  20. Schindler's List
  21. The Princess Bride
  22. Apocalypse Now
  23. Alien
  24. 12 Monkeys
  25. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
  26. The Hunt for the Red October
  27. Saving Private Ryan
  28. The Road Warrior
  29. Dial M for Murder
  30. The Third Man
  31. Tron
  32. The Godfather part II
  33. Jaws

Drunken Master

Drunken Master's list of movies that he can watch while drunk.

1. Office Space
2. Starship Troopers
3. Monty Python's The Holy Grail
4. Army of Darkness
5. Empire Records
6. Knights Tale, A
7. Half Baked
8. Deep Rising
9. Waterworld
and finally
10. Baseketball

Jurassic Mark

Response to DM's list of movies that he can watch while drunk.

Drunken Master: I hate you, but I respect you. Any day you want to play frisbee-shotgun with your DVD collection, let me know. I have both .12 and .20 shells. Better yet, lets line all of your DVD's back to back. I'll take my Dad's hunting rifle and put one round through the entire collection from 500 yards. Put "Godzilla" last and see if he can stop the bullet. My only fear is that my shot may pass through the center hole in the DVD's (thus leaving your collection undamaged).