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Hold Your Breath
 Jurassic
Mark
SCORE: 1  Star
Vertical limit made me sleepy. I wanted to investigate my
"horizontal limit." But, for the sake of Movie Pit, I watched the
entire picture and didn't kick Drunken Master out of my apartment. I would
like to make an official notice: Drunken Master is no longer able to bring
DVD's over to mi casa. Well, I suppose he can bring them, but unless we're
going to play Frisbee shotgun, they shall serve no purpose.
Our movie begins with a majestic shot of an eagle (or some large bird)
soaring majestically through mountain peeks. Then the camera closes in on
the bird and we see that it is some kind of either crappy CGI creation, or
an animatronic puppet. Whatever it is, it ain't a bird. This sets the tone
for Vertical Limit. The film never strings together five believable
minutes.
The obligatory opening trauma sequence is a rip-off of the obligatory
opening trauma sequence from Sylvester Stallone's Cliffhanger (a
masterpiece compared to Vertical Limit). Father, along with son Peter
(Chris O'Donnell) and daughter Annie (Robin Tunney) are enjoying a family
climb. Unforeseeable events unfold and Peter is forced to allow his father
to plunge to his death so that brother and sister can survive. Ahh, the
dangers of climbing.
Flash forward "x" number of years. Peter is now a National Geographic
photographer in Pakistan (they have big mountains there). Annie is a
hot-shot climber ready to assist billionaire Elliot (Bill Paxton) tackle
the mother of all mountains: K-2.
Then an incredible explosion occurs. I'm referring to a "population
explosion." In the first twenty minutes of Vertical Limit we are
introduced to (at least) fifteen characters. Ten of these characters are
superfluous. They have a destiny with death. In the grand tradition of
Hollywood, most of the foreigners die first (even though some are more
experienced climbers).
One of the strangest characters in Vertical Limit is Montgomery (Scott
Glenn). Montgomery is some sort of mountain climbing guru who travels
around K-2 in search of the body of his dead wife. He's not good; he's not
evil. However, Montgomery does possess one amazing ability. He is able to
shave a twenty-year-old beard with a straight razor (sans shaving cream)
without irritating his skin. I'm thinking Montgomery should shimmy down
K-2 and become a professional barber.
In an obvious plot development, Annie, Elliot, and a character destined to
die become trapped near the summit of K-2. For no logical reason, Peter
takes over the rescue attempt. Even though he's not part of the team,
that's HIS SISTER up there. The clean-shaven Montgomery is enlisted only
because the screenplay says he should.
Vertical Limit contains a ridiculous sub-plot involving defective
Pakistani nitroglycerin. The rescue team needs the explosives to kill
everyone the screenplay wants dead and save Annie. In the movie's worst
scene, the rescue team finds the climbers trapped in a crevice. Peter
alerts his sister by tossing a piece of paper into the cavern labeled
"bang." Conveniently, Annie catches the paper. Never mind that both
parties have walkie-talkies, or that their proximity warrants the use of
vocal chords.
One day, evolution will weed out lame screenwriters like Robert King and
Terry Hayes. People like director Martin Campbell will go the way of the
Dodo. Unfortunately, I'll be long dead before that ever happens. Bang.
Drunken
Master
SCORE: 6
 Beers
I unlike JM enjoyed this flick based on it's "Cheese appeal". No,
Cliffhanger this was not. However it had it's own shitty flair that can
only be described as Shaite. Chris O'donnell or however the fuck you spell
this spare's ass name hasn't had a 'hit' that he could call his own in his
entire acting career. The only notable ones where he was a major
contributor is Circle of Friends, and Scent of a woman. Now he's had a
couple of ensemble token roles here and there. But let's look at his big
budget movies.......Batman Forever, and Batman Returns.....well shit let's
not go there, let's go down a level to, Three Musketeers, and Mad Love
with Drew Barrymore. Does this guy deserve a big budget action movie? No
fucking way, therefore I digest, ingest, consume, drink, inhale,
conceptualize that this movie is not supposed to be taken seriously. THIS
IS A SHITTY MOVIE, but it's entertaining. Why.....well I could debate JM
for awhile in a drunken state, and maybe come up on top.....But that's not
what Drunken Master is about. You want quality acting, check out some
local Shakespearean troupe. But if you want to check out a Vulcan
eyebrowed bitch who can't act her way out of a urine lined bag of pig
vomit, only to be one-upped by the acting-ubergod of Bill Paxton (See
Twister for acting equivalent) than this is your movie. It sucks, but it
doesn't suck. Shit, you know I'm drunk when I ramble like this, I could go
on for hours on different time lines and tangents. But I think I'll just
go pass out. Till the next ramble.
 Darth
Buzz
I just thought I would note that this movie shares the
same tag line as Daylight
which is a major ass whipping. "Hold your breath" leads me to
believe that I would smell shit if I didn't hold my breath. Maybe
there is an advertising company with a perverse sense of humor out there
doing movie tag lines.
AWARDS
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